Interview with the Twerp

As part of my "community service" (lousy law enforcement!) I recently spent some time volunteering at a local Pokemon Center. My first day there, who should waltz right through the front door but Pallet Town's resident twerp, Ash Ketchum. I approached him with a few questions as he waited for Joy to attend his Pokemon.

Team Rocket Rose: Hey kid, what's up?

Ash Ketchum: I'm Ash Ketchum, from Pallet Town, and I wanna be the world's.

TRR: .greatest Pokemon Master. Yeah, I know.

AK: Huh?

TRR: I just have a couple of questions to ask you, Ash.

AK: Uh, ok.

TRR: Now answer honestly.

AK: Sure.

TRR: How much do you pay the writers to make sure you come across as a great Pokemon trainer?

AK: (looks around suspiciously) Who told you about that?

TRR: Figured it out on my own. Now come clean, kid! How much?

AK: (sighs) Ok, truth be told, they don't accept money.

TRR: Then. what?

AK: It all started back when I first got Bulbasaur. If you remember, I didn't do too well before then. Yeah, I did get that win against Brock, and then I beat Misty, but the writers weren't cheating for me too much back then.

TRR: Of course they weren't.

AK: Well, one of the writers discovered that Bulbasaur's Razor Leaf can be smoked as a really good substitute for weed.

TRR: So you're the writers' drug dealer?

AK: No way! But if I keep them happy, they write me into all kinds of winning situations.

TRR: Hmm. which explains why you still have Bulbasaur, even though you've foolishly traded away most of your other starting Pokemon.

AK: If I ditched Bulbasaur, and the stash, I'd start losing again.

TRR: Even though you have a Chikorita now.

AK: Well, she hasn't perfected the perfect Razor Leaf yet. but when she does.

TRR: Is Bulbasaur the reason you sent Heracross back to Oak's lab and we haven't seen it since?

AK: Bulbasaur didn't like Heracross. So Heracross. went away.

TRR: Speaking of characters "going away", what was the deal with Brock? Why'd he leave the show? And WHAT were the writers thinking with Tracey?

AK: After not winning the Indigo League, I wanted to win the next tournament at any cost. There really wasn't anything else but to have the writers create a new series of gyms and a big competition, just for me to win.

TRR: That doesn't explain Tracey.

AK: That was. a compromise between the writers and me. In return for such a huge favor, they had to lose one of the main characters and add one of the staff artists as a character instead. None of us liked him. At all.

TRR: Why not Misty?

AK: They had to keep the girls interested in the show somehow. And besides, there's that awful subplot about me and Misty hooking up someday. (shudder)

TRR: What, you don't like her? (snickers)

AK: Are you kidding? She's got cooties! And she hates Bug Pokemon! And she creeps me out sometimes.

TRR: Moving along. what are your thoughts on Team Rocket?

AK: They're pretty pathetic as bad guys go. If I didn't keep them around, I might wind up with someone a lot worse.

TRR: Like Butch and Cassidy?

AK: Or the whole army of Team Rocket. I don't want that.

TRR: Besides, you might make a lot of Rocket fans very upset if they were to leave.

AK: Huh? They have fans?

TRR: (sweatdrop) Yes. They do. Why do you hate them so much?

AK: They tried to steal my Pikachu!

TRR: So? They didn't get away with it. Why are you so mean to them?

AK: It makes me look tough if I totally obliterate all my rivals. It's the hero's way.

TRR: Sure. Speaking of rivals, what's the story with Gary? If you've been paying off the writers, how come he beat you when you faced off in Pallet Town? And what's with his new attitude?

AK: Oh. When he found out I was paying the writers to make me look good, he got angry and started paying them off too. That's why he won that battle. And lost the snotty image I'd paid so much to achieve.

TRR: What about the cheerleaders?

AK: Their contracts ran out. We didn't feel like signing them for another season.

TRR: Here's a question many of us have been DYING to know for years. Who's your father?

AK: (shrugs) I don't know.

TRR: What do you mean, you don't know?

AK: I haven't seen him for years. I've heard he lives in Viridian City, but. that's all I know.

TRR: Does the name "Giovanni" ring any bells?

AK: I don't know what you're talking about.

TRR: Ok, forget it. One last question for you, Ash.

AK: Ok.

TRR: What about your mom and Professor Oak?

AK: What about them?

TRR: Do you see anything happening between them?

AK: Huh?

TRR: All right, never mind. Thanks a million, Ashy-boy. Your 'lucid' answers have provided the Pokemon audience with a new insight into your world.

AK: You mean you didn't want to challenge me to a battle?

TRR: Why would I want to do that?

AK: So I could show you how great I am as a trainer!

TRR: No thanks. A little twerp like you isn't worth my effort. Besides, aren't all your Pokemon with Joy right now?

AK: Oh yeah.

The End

BACK to Fanfics
BACK to TR's Rockin!